Day 2 at the Ranch began with a 6am wake-up call in order to give us time to grab breakfast which for Hilary included blueberry muffins and coffee, while mine consisted of some steel cut oatmeal (gluten free), dehydrated figs and apricots and herbal tea before heading out on our 6:30am bike ride. It was a 12 mile ride with the first 6 being essentially uphill and tough. I saw a roadrunner on the side of the path, they are much smaller in real life than on the cartoon and more of a grayish beige color without the purple feather mane, but look exactly like the coyote’s nemesis in every other way. We reached the apex of the ride and waited for the other guests to make it up for quite a while. Finally the last rider (New York princess type) made it and we cheered her on. As soon as she dismounted she began to sob uncontrollably as one does after a marathon or childbirth. It was oddly touching and annoying at the same time. We made it back to the Ranch and Hilary and I lounged by the L-pool (not to be confused with the T-pool). We fell into a blissful post exercise haze which morphed into a mid-morning nap but were awakened by the grinding noise of the underwater treadmills some overly eager guests decided to use. It is rather strange to watch a 60-something year old woman in a wide brimmed hat and sunglasses walking briskly in place half submerged in the water.
We met our friends Jill and Jana for lunch at the Double U restaurant where everyone got to taste the gluten free crackers I was allotted with my tiny scoop of organic hummus, and unanimously agreed that they tasted like cardboard and needed salt. Jill suggested that I lick the crackers and then pour the salt on top so that the grains of salt would have a chance of adhering to the tasteless cracker. I’m not too proud and licked away as elegantly as possible. I had a small frozen banana on a stick for dessert enrobed in a thin layer of dark chocolate, that was the highlight.
Then it was off to the Exercise Physiology department to have my body composition testing done. Essentially you are hooked up to a bullet-proof vest looking contraption that holds various heart and oxygen monitors, and then a gas mask-like apparatus is put over your mouth and nose, and the physiologist then asks you to “breathe normally” as you run uphill on the treadmill. Like a blonde Darth Vader, I ascended the treadmill and rasped into the contraption as the incline increased steadily, all the while trying to respond chipperly to the Physiologist named Stephanie who was asking questions about the strain I was experiencing. I had to give her a number grading as the hill became steeper and my breathing heavier. The chart starts at 1 and ends at 20. After 11 minutes my heart rate was at 175 and I was clearly at a level 19, so the treadmill was stopped and Stephanie declared that I had done extremely well and unhooked me from the equipment leaving my mouth with the distinct lingering taste of Lysol.
I thanked Stephanie who I will be seeing again tomorrow for the read out of my stats, and made my way down to the spa for my 100 minute Ashiatsu treatment. Ashiatsu is a deep tissue massage performed by a therapist who stands on the massage table and hangs onto multiple poles affixed to the ceiling of the massage room for balance and support as she whisks up and down the table and my oil slicked body massaging with her feet and legs. My therapist, Dorothy, was fantastic. She commented on my strong "positive energy" which is a very high order of compliment at the Ranch and something you just can't fake.
A steam and a shower followed by some contraband Chardonnay with Hilary in the cassita, and then we were off to the dining room for dinner with Jill and Jana. Pea soup, rice noodles (about 6 in total) with grilled chicken in a peanut sauce, steamed sugar snap peas and some rice crackers were my feast. After spotting Maria Bartiromo at a table directly across from mine, she was very nice to all the wait staff and dined alone with her face illuminated by the blue glow of her Blackberry, it was time for dessert. My dinner companions all enjoyed vanilla ice cream with non-fat hot fudge sauce, but for dairy-free, sugar free, gluten-free Lorna, I was served a plate of 6 dates, 6 sad little pitted dates which I ate along with some mint tea all the while staring longingly at the ice cream and fat-free fudge.
And so to bed....
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