I decided to opt out of the morning bike ride today and so after Hilary headed off for the ride I lounged in bed a while and then joined Jana and Jill for breakfast. My Mexican food binge and DQ slip of the night before had me feeling guilty as though everyone in the dining room could still smell the sweet scent of the deep fryer on me. I ordered some steel cut oats and egg whites and topped it off with 4 sad looking pitted dates while my breakfast companions enjoyed bread and butter. Determined to work off the excess calories and gluten of the night before, I then headed to my first fitness class “World Beat” with Jana. The studio was well lit and teaming with eager Ranch guests determined to burn every last calorie possible. There were 3 different drummers stationed in the center of the room each equipped with some exotic form of percussion instrumentation which would soon assist in our ultimate sweaty demise. The instructor, a lean perky Chilean names Elisa with bright red lips and spandex covered hips that could move a nation to tears, stood before us welcoming us with a wide smile. The drumming began and Elisa’s hips took off like a rocket, I attempted to mimic her moves undulating my hips, whipping my arms around and shimmying about like a South American salsa goddess. Clearly I am a natural for World Beat I thought, relieved in fact, until I caught a glimpse of myself in the large and unforgiving floor to ceiling mirrors which covered all the walls. Could that clunky creature in the Lululemon capris and orange top be me? Surely there’s been some cosmic mistake or practical joke being played, I thought. But I shimmed to the right and the creature in the mirror jerked awkwardly in unison. I tried looking in the side mirror and sucking in my gut as best I could, but there was no escaping the reality, I was no Elisa. For the next 45 minutes I hopped and stomped and twirled with eyes affixed on Elisa trying to avoid the mirrors and my reflection at all cost. I have never sweat so much in my life, nor had as much fun making a pure dancing fool of myself. Jana and I even had a bonding moment where we got to dance together, two mildly uncoordinated middle aged euphoric white women in the land of Elisa and the World Beat drummers.
After a much needed 15 water break, we re-entered Gym 1 to try the next class called Bars, Balls and Bungees ADV (advanced). There were only 6 women in this class and they seemed far more lean and muscular than our World Beat sisters. We stood in a circle around a large pole to which was attached 6 sets of bungee cords with handles. Rick the instructor who resembled every Jewish boy I attended Bialik Hebrew Day School with told us to pick up a set of bungees and with one in each hand begin squatting rhythmically to the music which was now an old U2 song. He informed us we would be doing 5 minutes of each set before switching to the next exercise. Within 35 seconds my quads began to burn and I looked around at my compatriots to examine their facial expressions, all but one Amazonian woman with guns like Arnold, were sweating profusely and looking nervously around as well. Good, I thought, we’re all in this together. Needless to say, after World Beat my resistance was low and I had to struggle to make it through the entire class, inventing modifications to the torturous squats and medicine ball tosses to allow me to carry on. Thank god I have a bad knee that truly began to throb and so made the perfect excuse for my lower impact version of the endless jump squats. After the class I wished Jana a sweaty and breathless adieu and made for the L-pool where I promptly lay down and fell asleep.
Hilary returned in time for lunch and so we dined at the Double U Café, this time I opted for the mixed salad with grilled chicken, skipped the frozen chocolate covered banana and left hungry but proud at my restraint. Then it was on to the Metaphysical building for my Clairvoyant Reading followed by a 100 minute Thai Massage. I waited in the spa relaxation room for my Thai massage therapist to collect me but after 5 minutes had passed a kind attendant asked me what I had scheduled and informed me that Thai massage is given in the Life Enhancement building. I was so ashamed; I had made a classic newbie error. Every returning guest knows that all clothed massages are given in the Life Enhancement building. I solemnly trudge over to the L.E. Building and was greeted by my therapist who comforted me and told me that such errors happen all the time even to returning guest, which cheered me slightly. After 100 minutes of deep stretching massage I returned to my Casita where Hilary and I exchanged our tales of the day over our last bottle of chardonnay and some microwave popcorn.
We decided to invite Maria Bartiromo to join us at dinner if she was there, but alas she was nowhere to be seen in the dining room. We did however spy an extraordinarily fine looking new guest at the salad bar, he was some kind of professional athlete but neither of us could figure out which sport or who he was. He wore a pair of True Religion jeans and a shirt with the words "Look better naked," emblazoned across the back. "I'm sure you do," whispered Hilary to me, and no doubt she must be right.
Tomorrow will be our last day at the Ranch and I’ll be sad to say goodbye.
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