This morning we slept in until 6:30am as our hike was not to depart until 7am. Once again we descended upon the Double U Café where Hilary enjoyed the fresh baked muffins and coffee while I tried gluten free toast with peanut butter and banana and some more organic decaf tea. I had a few dehydrated figs and apricots for good anti-oxidant measure and one unidentifiable dehydrated fruit sphere that we’ve decided was a small plum. We piled into the van with 10 other guests, mostly from New York and New Jersey, and headed for Bear Creek. We were each given a day pack containing not 1 but 2 water bottles, a small snack pack and a towel. While the others ripped open their snack packs to admire the contents, I was struck with sadness as mine was filled with nothing but contraband, I mean really a bagel for a snack, and pretzels, are they trying to kill me?? Who eats carbs these days anyway, it’s just so yesterday. Luckily there was a small container of pumpkin crunch and a hardboiled egg, without which I might have just gotten off the bus. We made it to the trail head and I grabbed my trusty hiking pole and joined the group as we ascended the mountain single file elephant style. The group quickly split into two sub-groups, Hilary and I were in the “fast” group and the remaining posers were in the “slower” group. Hilary was ahead of me, Mona from New Jersey (a retired radio station manager with an unforgiving son-in-law) was behind me and off we went. It was a beautiful day and we spotted some Ermets which look remarkably like ordinary squirrels to me but cause much joy when seen here by hikers due to their pointed ears and bird-like chirps. Half way up the 1000 foot climb the “slower group” split into two groups so that now the 3 hikers who should never have signed up for the level 3 hike in the first place could rest and allow the others to carry on upward. After an hour of climbing we reached the picnic spot which afforded beautiful vistas of the canyon and tucked into our snack boxes. Needless to say I was finished rather quickly while the others gorged on white flour bagels, Snyders pretzels and other toxic goodies. One woman in a thick New York accent and very attractive Marni sunglasses (“They’re pehr-scription, I do it awhll the time; bawuy the nicest glahssez I can fwind and just tell them to make the lenses fit.”) began asking us where we were from and what we do etc. Hilary asked where she lived and she said London, which had us perplexed. “22 yeez I ben there, fouwer kids, divohced and still love it they-ah.” I commented on how nice it was than even after living abroad for 22 years she still had her lovely New York accent. That didn’t go over so well, and for the remainder of the hike she (Bobbi is her name) made sure to pepper her speech with plenty of anglicisms like “grotty”, “smashing” and “brilliant” with a curbed accent to say the least.
We returned from the hike put on our swimsuits and cover-ups and headed for lunch at the Double U where we met up with Jana and Jill. I enjoyed my grass fed burger on gluten-free bread and my frozen banana again. Watching the others munch on lavosh crackers with their hummus was too dispiriting and so I left half my rice crackers and hummus on the table. I headed to the Health and Healing Center to meet Carol my naturopath and acupuncturist. After a brief discussion of my headaches, no doubt exacerbated by my new detoxification diet regimen which has clearly thrown my body into some sort of shock, I popped onto the table in my swim suit. Carol began to stick me with plenty of needles determined to alleviate my headache so that I will stick with the detox which she concurred was critical to my wellbeing. For those of you new to acupuncture, the needles are just a little poke and then the real fun comes when the acupuncturist twirls the needles in order to get the “chi” flowing. The more the chi is stuck the more twirling is required to stimulate the meridian where the chi is meant to flow and free it up. Suffice it to say there was a baton troop worth of twirling going on and I could feel the chi being freed up and beginning to flow through my body. Once I was sufficiently stuck with needles, Carol lowered the lights and left me in the room for 20 minutes to allow the energy healing to flow. She checked on me once to make sure I was warm enough (I was) and then came back at the very end to unstuck me and give me some recommended herbs and tinctures. Carol felt that I was a “complete pleasure” to work with because I had such incredible “energy” and “appreciation for Chinese medicine.” I don’t know about my chi, but the A-type overachiever in me was delighted and flowing.
I then met up with Hilary in the gift shop and will not provide details because both our husbands are likely to read this post and I feel the details of our purchases are best discussed in private. Suffice it to say, I saved a lot of money due to the incredible sale that was ongoing.
Next it was back to see Stephanie for my Metabolic Assessment read out. I’m sure it will come as no surprise to any of you that Stephanie felt I was a “pleasure to work with” and that my metabolism is one of my strongest assets that I should be careful not to damage by under eating. Clearly she has been spying on me at the Ranch during mealtime and wants to encourage me to eat my fill even if that means consuming 16 dates for dessert. The good news is that my cardiovascular fitness is at “performance level” which is generally for athletes according to Stephanie, and that I burn 2x the calories of the average woman my age when resting. I burn 2.51 calories per minute while the rest of the average 41 year olds only burn 1, hah 30 years of running, aerobics in the late 80’s and a little jazzercise around 1981-1982 pays off. Stephanie believes that with the new exercise regimen she has recommended, I should be able to further increase my VO2 max and (the following may not have been exactly Stephanie’s words but represent the gist of what she said), my resting heart rate to Lance Armstrong-like levels.
With my report in hand and glowing from my “performance” rating, I walked over to the Aquatics Center for my 5pm Watsu treatment. Susan greeted me warmly, her long gray hair in a bow-like knot at the very top of her head so that she resembled some sort of friendly alien. Susan asked if I had ever had the treatment before, to which I replied, “Oh yes, I always have a Watsu treatment when I visit the Ranch.” This is technically true as I had a Watsu the only other time I was here. Susan beamed her smile at me and told me that she knew she was in for a treat, and I had to agree as I am obviously a pleasure to work with. Susan used to be a mermaid at Wicchikissi Springs near Tampa, where she spent 15 years dazzling children watching from the underwater observation deck with her long flowing hair and mermaid tail. (you cannot make this stuff up) Susan lowered me into the 99 degree pool; wrapped floatation straps around my legs cradled me in her mermaid arms as she began the hypnotic silent underwater massage. An hour later we were done and Susan thanked me warmly and I thanked her, adding that she “..is still quite the mermaid.”
Now bathed and moisturized we headed off campus to a Mexican restaurant Hilary knows for Jill birthday dinner to feast on some ultra contraband margaritas and guacamole with corn chips; deep fried yes but gluten-free, hallelujah! We arrived at El Charo and instantly were dizzied by the aroma of fatty foods and promise of tequila. We were seated at a lovely table for four and before we even ordered our margaritas a basket of hot oily tortilla chips and salsa was placed on the table, this brought tears to my eyes. We tucked into the tortilla chips and savored the saltiness, washing it down with sips of margarita. After enjoying green chile corn tamales and carne secca with corn tortillas, we were serenaded by the wandering guitar player who sang a sweet rendition of happy birthday to Jill. We were stuffed but I had spotted a Dairy Queen on the drive back from the hike and mentioned it to my friends, and we all decided to find the Dairy Queen and enjoy ourselves. Hilary navigated and after only one seriously wrong turn we found ourselves at the intersection of Sabeno Canyon and Tanque Verde unsure of which way to go. My spidey sense was tingling and told me to turn right, so we proceeded in that direction and no more than 100 yards down the road we saw the gleaming red and white lights of the DQ sign. It was like a soft lit haze as we drove into the drive thru lane and approached the window. Our charming drive thru server, we named her Juanita, was clearly no stranger to the delicacies of the DQ herself and smiled broadly as we ordered our 2 vanilla cones dipped in chocolate and 2 hot fudge (full fat) sundaes. I exited the car to thank Juanita for her kindness and efficient service, which is when armed with my iPhone Jill snapped this lovely shot. Back in the safety of the car we devoured our desserts and in one fail swoop I consumed gluten, dairy and sugar. It was a major setback after days of obedient detoxification, but it was worth it! We drove back to the Ranch on our sugar highs and decided the DQ should be a monthly visit. Tomorrow I will return to my detox and purification rituals for mind and body but for tonight, just for one night, we were wild and free.
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