The wakeup call rang at 6am, and within 30 minutes I had donned my hiking gear, had a cup of tea and some egg whites that were devoid of any flavor, and was meeting the guides and guests who would soon be climbing into the Ranch van with David and I to head out on our 4 hour, Level 4 hike. Now for those of you new to the Ranch, the Level of a hike is not a matter to be taken lightly. And a Level 4 is not something to be entered into without serious advance consideration. The lowest Level is 1 (people who walk in white Reeboks with fanny packs and Tilly hats) while the highest is Level 5 (people who wear only Lululemon, have an assortment of hiking boots, and enjoy sprinting 2,000 feet uphill while discussing the 53 miles bike ride they are taking after lunch). Level 4 is for the fit and fast, and therefore anyone who cannot keep up with the pace of the group is appropriately shunned.
As we gathered in the spa lobby to meet our guides Donna and Michael, I could feel the other hikers eyeing me and David. They looked us up and down. Would we slow them down? Yes, we had hiking boots and yes, Dave wore a Lululemon thermal top, but I had an Icebreaker fleece on and this confused the onlookers. As it turned out they were a group of 10 women from Toronto who travel to the Ranch together annually and take their fitness very, very seriously. They made sure to let us know that they were only taking this hike because no Level 5’s were offered this particular morning. David clung to our guide Michael, the only other male, for safety and I adopted a somewhat friendly yet slightly aloof posture in an effort to stand my ground. I didn’t need them to be my friend; I just needed them to recognize me as their cardiovascular peer. Once in the van, the women isolated David and descended upon him like locusts; where were we from, how often do we visit the Ranch, do we hike at home, do we have children etc. David, slightly giddy from the female attention managed to hold his own and when we emerged from the van and began our 1,800 foot climb, in a show of strength he took the lead position right behind Michael.
After the first 20 minutes of vertical climbing, David was still in the lead and a group of four of the Toronto gaggle were between him and me with the rest straggling a few minutes behind. The women relaxed, realizing that we would not be slowing them down today. They quickly become remarkably friendly and engaging. I learned of their life stories, Jessica the 50-year old blond directly in front of me with the killer legs shared how she is handling her recent discovery that her 15-year old son is smoking pot and hanging out with a bunch of skate boarders. She is using humor. For example when she removed a hash pipe from his jacket the other day, she called him to the laundry room to hand it to him and inform him that they don’t wash well and he should really just rinse it out in the sink. Bold move.
Jennifer the 51-year old slightly chubby one of the group explained that her husband of 27 years has been dying to come to the Ranch with her for years but that she feels she deserves a getaway once a year to a place of her very own, and didn’t I agree. I told her that I most certainly did agree but really it was just to make her like me more. And Molly the 48-year old with the husband who never remembers to take the kids to the dentist (“tell me about it” I added although in truth David has never forgotten to take the kids to the dentist) without being reminded, told me all about her case of the Shingles and the time she almost died of altitude sickness in Breckenridge. Before we summitted, Jill the 45-year old redheaded ringleader of the gang asked how long David and I had been married. When I responded that it will be 17 years in July, she smacked me affectionately on the arm (fortunately not sending me head first over the edge of the cliff), and confessed that the group thought we were newlyweds as we hardly looked old enough to even be at the Ranch. They were just lovely.
After our hike, we returned to the Ranch in time for my noon Mango Sugar Body Scrub, which was followed by lunch, then a Glide ‘n Burn (killer muscle toning) class, an hour lounging by the pool and my 5pm Acutonics session. What is Acutonics you ask, well it is a variation on the theme of Acupuncture where needles are replaced with tuning forks that are placed on the key pressure points and reverberate the sound throughout your body. This encourages the free flow of chi as well as the release of the emotions guided by the zodiac which are all represented in the various sounds which emanate. Tres New Age.
My therapist, Marta, explained that different times of the year were better for this kind of work depending on your position in the universe. I confided to Marta that I was born in retrograde and so now is an especially good time for me to retune. Marta was delighted because Marta of course knew that Mercury went into retrograde on April 21st and would remain there until May 21st and that the only way I would know that is if I were an enlightened being. Marta gave my arm a brief but meaningful squeeze, “I was born in retrograde too,” she told me, and we shared a deep knowing smile.
Rebalanced after the session which concluded with a magnificent Neptune inspired Ohm on the enormous gong, I met up with David and we went for dinner. Thanks to the 2,000 calories I had burned hiking and burning, I was able to order the 140 calorie warm chocolate cake, which it turned out was sadly the circumference of a small yogurt container and only a quarter inch think.
I cheered myself up by beating David handily at Scrabble.
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