Welcome back to the Ranch

Yesterday I returned to Canyon Ranch, the world famous spa and retreat for Mind, Body and Spirit. Some of you may recall that I was here earlier this year with my margarita loving friend Hilary, and this time have arrived with my very disciplined friend Stephanie who has forewarned me that there will be no offsite visits to DQ or the local taqueria no matter how much I beg and plead. As a result, I have been eating nothing but flax seed and quinoa for the last 36 hours, and have acquired a rather gaseous condition which is a clear window into life as a senior citizen, and I might add, not terribly flattering.

Upon check-in we were greeted by a wee mouse of a thing named Molly who had the hair of a young Ann Margaret but the voice of Snow White from the original Disney animated film. No exaggeration, she sounded as though she had swallowed a mylar balloon full of helium and had gotten stuck with this high soprano mouse voice. The effect was quite disturbing and I found it difficult to look her in the eye as she squeaked away inquiring as to the size t-shirt we required while bouncing her full head of red hair about. I requested the fitted style shirt in an XL, you see I could already imagine how the loose fitting top would cause those who spied me with the Canyon Ranch logo emblazoned top, to assume I had lost a ton of weight there. Always think ahead.

Dissatisfied with the room assignment we had been given, it was just too far from the main Spa building which is the very center of life here at the Ranch, and having booked many services immediately following exercise classes, I needed a nearby room in order to make the quick change into robe and slippers without making myself late for treatments, so I kindly inquired whether Snow White might have a room closer to the Spa available and indicated the rooms I had occupied on prior visits that would work well. Having ever so gently marked my territory as an afficionado, Snow White made a call to housekeeping and soon had fresh room cards printed up for us, we would be staying in Suite 181 next door to the Spa. Excellent.

I unpacked and then hit the gym for a 45 minute stair master work out followed by a 100 minute deep tissue massage with Charlie. Charlie has a face only a mother could love but the hands of an angel. I declined the lavender mist on the neck cradle and opted for the lotion over the oil, and settled in for what would prove to be the very best part of my week. Dinner was a variety of low cal, low fat, low sodium, high fiber, high flax delicacies that required a lot of chewing but left me almost completely famished. Two cups of decaf Indian Black Vanilla tea with plenty of sweetener and soy milk were required to fill me up.

The next morning we awoke, grabbed some gluten-free toast with natural peanut butter and sugar free blueberry preserves, and headed out on a 15 mile bike ride with our guides Ed, Jeff and Cindy. Cindy had the kind of cyclist calves rarely seen outside the Tour de France. Evidently I was not going to impress anyone on this ride, although I did show up with my very own bike shoes and Oakley sport glasses. I did however make sure that Cindy was aware that I compete in amateur triathlons, I mean really. I neglected to specify that I had not actually competed in such an event in the last 3 years but that was only out of insecurity in the face of her calves, I mean I am only human. About 5 miles into the ride Cindy approached me from the rear and asked whether I meant to be spinning as quickly as I was. "Yes," I replied forcing a weak laugh, "I am trying to work on my cadence." Cindy had no way of knowing that this was utter and complete fabrication, and that in fact she had caught me in the wrong gear. Cindy responded, "Yeah, I wasn't sure if you were doing a training exercise or just forgot to gear up." I chuckled, "ha, ha, yeah that'd be funny to watch." Soon thereafter I geared up and avoided any "training exercises" for the remainder of the ride.

Lunch was some vegetable broth, half a whole wheat pita with a low cal cheese substitute and fat free tomato sauce, and an enormous plate of spring greens with garbanzo beans and jicama. At this point I am prepared to kill for a Coke Zero as my caffeine withdrawal sinks in ever deeper. I have however been hoarding snacks, you see at the Ranch you are frequently offered organic fruit bars, nuts and seeds, as well as mini cheeses, bananas and pretzels. I have been collecting these and storing them in our room just in case. Simply having the food in the vicinity makes me feel much calmer.

I then enjoyed a lecture on Healthy Sleep, did some reading by the fire, and then it was off to my Watsu treatment (shiatsu in a pool of 99 degree water) with Sue, the former theme park mermaid massage therapist I had seen last time for the same treatment. Sue did not seem to remember me but once in the water, ear plugs inserted and floats attached to my legs, she seemed to smile down at me knowingly as though she now recognized me or at least my slenderizing black Gotex bathing suit. I smiled back grateful for the mouthwash in the locker room I had indulged in. After the blissful water massage, I showered and changed and headed for the Sanctuary where I was attending orientation for the Spirit Lodge experience I had signed myself and Stephanie up for that would take place on the following evening. The Spirit Lodge is a transcendent ritual where one comes to the Lodge with an intention and leaves with an answer or vision, or so says the Canyon Ranch brochure. This occurs over the course of 3 hours at nightfall in a dark, wood lodge which is heated to 170 degrees by special Spirit Stones selected by elders and descends from various Native American traditions including the Lakota and Cherokee. I learned all this during the orientation, initially I thought it was a quick weight loss sauna type of thing, but this was far more interesting. Stephanie felt otherwise and smiling apologetically at me, headed for the door as soon as the nitty gritty details were shared in order to cancel her Spirit Lodge experience within the 8 hour cancellation policy requirement. Not everyone it seems feels the same need to transform.

Lisa, our spiritual guide, announced that the "Lodge" had now begun and that it was a beautiful and sacred right we would be sharing. She then asked the remaining 8 guests to declare what gift we were each bringing to the Spirit Lodge, and then after we had each replied (my gift is curiosity, for obvious reasons) Lisa assured us that the gift she would be bringing to the Lodge was that of unconditional acceptance and love for each of us. At this point I felt it best not to mention my new found flatulence problem.

Lisa encouraged us to share our intention for our time at Lodge and told us that we could journal over the next 24 hours to help find our intention if it was not readily accessible. I proudly shared my intention which is to figure out what comes next in life, and Lisa thanked me and told me that was "beautiful". Needless to say I was proud but did my best not to look smug as the other 7 struggled with their intentions, obviously in need of some journaling. Lisa then treated us to a Cherokee gratitude song which she drummed along to as she chanted while the rest of us closed our eyes no doubt calculating how many calories we'd burn in the sweat lodge the next evening.

Dinner was more fiber, ruffage and flax. Thank heavens Stephanie and I are not sharing a bed.