The embarassment of sneakers, Be the Change and the Spirit Lodge experience

This morning we awoke at 6:30am and dressed in multiple layers to prepare for the bitter cold of the desert hike we were to embark upon. After a quick slice of gluten-free toast with natural peanut butter and apricot preserves (a change from blueberry just to spice things up), we met up with Deedee and Dusty our hiking guides, and the other 6 hikers. In an effort to travel with just carry-on luggage on this trip to the Ranch, I purposely left my hiking boots at home, and as I took a quick look at the footwear of my fellow hikers, felt immediately embarrassed. My white Asics stood out like a bright, sore thumb, while the others in their Merrill-boot-clad feet looked at me with a mix of pity and disdain. I felt like shouting out, “I have hiking boots and hiking shoes too but they are at home because I had a tight plane connection in Phoenix, really I am one of you!” But those words would not leave my lips, instead I stood silently in my sneakers, ashamed and looking every bit the novice. Thank god I was at least wearing my North Face fleece and wind shell.

We picked up our hiking packs and loaded up into the Ranch van for the 25 minute ride to the trail head. My sneakered feet carried me to the very back of the van where I belonged. It would be a 6.3 mi hike up the mountains, across the wash and into the canyon, beautiful. I examined the contents of my pack and found the snack bag brimming with apricot oat bars, pumpkin crunch and hard boiled eggs, which buoyed my spirits. Deedee asked if anyone wanted hiking sticks and several people raised their hands. I, however, posed a question, “Will there be any loose rock on steep pitches?” Deedee answered, “Oh yes, there will be on this hike but mostly on the descent.” “In that case,” I continued, “I’d like one stick please.” The mood in the van shifted ever so subtly, the woman with the sneakers may know a thing or two yet.

Dusty headed up the group with a remarkably fit grandmother behind him, followed by me. After the first steep pitch I passed grandma and was tightly following Dusty who was blazing the trail at a very respectable clip uphill. I could feel the eyes of the group upon my wind shell covered back as they no doubt watched Dusty and I disappear into the distance, sneakers and all. After finishing the hike and removing multiple cactus thorns from Stephanie's fingers, we returned to the van and this time I rode in the front of the van all the way back to the Ranch.

Then it was lunch time, a giant salad and low fat corn tamales. I am quite prepared to pay $50 for a diet soda at this time but payote is easier to find than carcinogenic beverages at this establishment. After lunch we hit the Ranch Store where uplifting spiritual messages are prevalent on everything from t-shirts to wishing stones. My personal faves are the "Be The Change" tote bag and the "Live With Passion" baseball cap in a lovely shade of orange. We then attended a wonderful lecture by Catherine Kenney Yunt, a self declared Clairvoyant and intuitive. Her hand out states very clearly, "Catherine's intuitive abilities have been documented through research conducted by Gary E. Schwartz, Ph.D director of Laboratory for Advnaces in Consciousness and Health at the University of Arizona. Her efficacy as a medium, precognitive dreamer, medical intuitive and energy healing practitioner has been tested over the past eight years." So there.

According to Catherine Kenney Yunt, M.C. (I think the M.C. stands for Master Clairvoyant) we all are intuitive and can help law enforcement find missing children if we just practice. So I have a long reading list and a few intuitive exercises to follow up on, please stay tuned, and if you sense my aura or presence in your dreams do let me know.

Next it was time for a light gluten-free snack and change into my Lodge attire, Lululemon yoga shorts and top, as our Spiritual Guide, Lisa, had very clearly instructed us to dress lightly as we would be completely drenched when we exit the sweat Lodge. She also advised us to bring a snack for afterward as we will be hungry. Seeing as I am constantly famished here, I am bringing 2 low fat turkey wraps hold the cheese, a banana, 2 low cal mini spelt chocolate chip cookies and an orange.

I met up with Lisa and my fellow Spirit Lodge guests at the Life Enhancement Center and took a short full moon lit walk up the path to the Lodge where we met Eric the "fire keeper". In front of me stood a roaring wood bonfire with numerous large stones ablaze within. Next to the fire was a sad looking flat roofed teepee-type structure covered in blankets, presumably to keep out all light. We sat in a circle and then beginning with Lisa we were each given the talking stick and encouraged to introduce ourselves by saying our names and those of our ancestors as well as whatever tidbits we cared to share about our heritage and spiritual journey in this lifetime. For most of the 7 guests present, including myself, our ancestors seemed to all be of Polish, Russian, French or German heritage (heavily Jewish crowd)and their actual names only stretched back with any precision to grandparents, with the notable exception of the lone Italian-American in the group who could apparently trace her lineage all the way back to the Roman Empire. There we were 7 guests in total comprised of: myself; Susan #1 (a 50 year old woman who seemed like a mix between Bette Middler and Terri Garr who was espousing the virtues of her dog Summer who is "a beautiful creature", ); Susan #2 (the aforementioned 53 year old engineer looking for a career change); Sondee and Steve (London, Ontario couple in their early 40s with 4 children and a sweet Canadian earnestness about them); Andrew (a 48 year old non-profit worker in search of deeper meaning in life); and finally one minor celebrity guest, Linda Fiorentino, who you may recall from her role as Bethany in the film Dogma or her role in Men in Black. (see pic) She was lovely as you will find out a bit later in this post. We then shared once more what our gift was that we were bringing into the Lodge, and while I brought Curiosity (I truly had no idea what to expect other than a good shvitz) and Lisa brought Unconditional Love, Linda brought Strength, which would come in handy.

Susan #2, told me she was a bit afraid of the experience and I assured her it was going to be just great and not to worry about it. Lisa gave us the line up for entering the Lodge, and so into the modified teepee we went, carefully avoiding the fire pit in the center and sat down cross legged on the blanket covered earth. Eric began bringing in the "honor stones" which were so hot that the moment he deposited them in the fire pit, the Lodge began to steam up. I was seated between Linda and Sondee, who had clearly dragged her dutiful husband Steve along with her on this evening's experience. We were all knee to knee in the Lodge as Eric placed the last scorching stone into the fire pit and Lisa told us that once the flaps were lowered we would be in complete darkness. She also mentioned that should we need assistance we could call out her name or "All our people," which I guessed was some higher order of 911 aimed at our ancestors. Lisa then instructed Eric to lower the teepee flap down and the instant we were enveloped in total darkness with the smell of sage burning on the fiery stones, I began to have my first ever panic attack.

Never having experienced a panic attack before I wasn't altogether sure what was happening other than a severe tightening in my chest accompanied by an uncontrollable urge to run leaping from the pitch black teepee across the fiery stones and out into the cold night air. As Lisa began to chant a Lakota welcome song I called out her name meekly. "Already?" she replied jokingly, assuming this was some mundane question or clarification. "I am feeling quite panicked," I called out desperately trying to modulate my voice. My fellow guests groaned in unison. Instantly, Linda and Sondee reached out to each hold one of my hands and Sondee called out, "My God you're freezing," which was somewhat surprising given the sweltering heat inside the Lodge thanks to the piles of fiery stones in the center. Lisa encouraged me to rock back and forth, breathe deeply and hum. I did all three immediately but thanks to the absolute darkness no one could see my spastic gyrations although no doubt they could hear my heavy breathing and trembling, tentative hums. Lisa continued with her welcome song and two songs later I seemed to have calmed down enough to loosen my vice-like grip on Linda's now lifeless hand. I kept Sondee's tight though and she didn't seem to mind, God Bless Canada. As Linda released her hand from my claw like grasp altogether, she leaned in and thanked me saying, "I was expecting me to be the one to freak out, thanks."

The next song Lisa began to chant was eerily familiar, but I had never studied Sioux, Lakota or Cherokee tradition, and could not pinpoint where I had learned this song. Soon I found myself singing, loudly and knowing all the words, it was only when we reached the chorus that I realized I was singing a Hebrew song from childhood called Heeneh Matov Oooo Manayim. Whether you are Hebrew or non-Hebrew speaking, you can hopefully see how this might sound Native, particularly in a 170 degree steam filled pitch black tent on a full moon night.

Lisa called Eric the fire keeper over and the tent flap was raised, allowing in fresh air and precious moonlight. I had survived! Lisa asked how I was doing and a mustered a weak but positive response, joking that apparently the actual gift I brought into the Lodge was "Panic", which got a decent chuckle from the crowd. No doubt they were relieved I had stopped whimpering. Lisa explained that in the next "Round", Round being the technical term for each enclosed 20 minute session in the Lodge, we would be encouraged to shout and call out, and that the louder we did so the sooner the flap would be opened. I immediately began to scream at the top of my lungs, which caused my compatriots to laugh semi-hysterically, and Lisa to tell me that humor was an excellent and welcome force in the Lodge. Thank All Our People.

2 hours of deep sweating, chanting, and ancestor calling later, the Lodge came to an end with a final cry out to All Our People. We formed a line as we exited the Lodge in reverse order to how we had entered, greeting the person before us as we emerged and then welcoming all those who followed, sort of like a sweaty receiving line at a wedding. And then I made my way to a quiet spot in the Spa building where I sat down to devour my turkey wraps and spelt cookies and reflect upon my experience at the Lodge.

Welcome back to the Ranch

Yesterday I returned to Canyon Ranch, the world famous spa and retreat for Mind, Body and Spirit. Some of you may recall that I was here earlier this year with my margarita loving friend Hilary, and this time have arrived with my very disciplined friend Stephanie who has forewarned me that there will be no offsite visits to DQ or the local taqueria no matter how much I beg and plead. As a result, I have been eating nothing but flax seed and quinoa for the last 36 hours, and have acquired a rather gaseous condition which is a clear window into life as a senior citizen, and I might add, not terribly flattering.

Upon check-in we were greeted by a wee mouse of a thing named Molly who had the hair of a young Ann Margaret but the voice of Snow White from the original Disney animated film. No exaggeration, she sounded as though she had swallowed a mylar balloon full of helium and had gotten stuck with this high soprano mouse voice. The effect was quite disturbing and I found it difficult to look her in the eye as she squeaked away inquiring as to the size t-shirt we required while bouncing her full head of red hair about. I requested the fitted style shirt in an XL, you see I could already imagine how the loose fitting top would cause those who spied me with the Canyon Ranch logo emblazoned top, to assume I had lost a ton of weight there. Always think ahead.

Dissatisfied with the room assignment we had been given, it was just too far from the main Spa building which is the very center of life here at the Ranch, and having booked many services immediately following exercise classes, I needed a nearby room in order to make the quick change into robe and slippers without making myself late for treatments, so I kindly inquired whether Snow White might have a room closer to the Spa available and indicated the rooms I had occupied on prior visits that would work well. Having ever so gently marked my territory as an afficionado, Snow White made a call to housekeeping and soon had fresh room cards printed up for us, we would be staying in Suite 181 next door to the Spa. Excellent.

I unpacked and then hit the gym for a 45 minute stair master work out followed by a 100 minute deep tissue massage with Charlie. Charlie has a face only a mother could love but the hands of an angel. I declined the lavender mist on the neck cradle and opted for the lotion over the oil, and settled in for what would prove to be the very best part of my week. Dinner was a variety of low cal, low fat, low sodium, high fiber, high flax delicacies that required a lot of chewing but left me almost completely famished. Two cups of decaf Indian Black Vanilla tea with plenty of sweetener and soy milk were required to fill me up.

The next morning we awoke, grabbed some gluten-free toast with natural peanut butter and sugar free blueberry preserves, and headed out on a 15 mile bike ride with our guides Ed, Jeff and Cindy. Cindy had the kind of cyclist calves rarely seen outside the Tour de France. Evidently I was not going to impress anyone on this ride, although I did show up with my very own bike shoes and Oakley sport glasses. I did however make sure that Cindy was aware that I compete in amateur triathlons, I mean really. I neglected to specify that I had not actually competed in such an event in the last 3 years but that was only out of insecurity in the face of her calves, I mean I am only human. About 5 miles into the ride Cindy approached me from the rear and asked whether I meant to be spinning as quickly as I was. "Yes," I replied forcing a weak laugh, "I am trying to work on my cadence." Cindy had no way of knowing that this was utter and complete fabrication, and that in fact she had caught me in the wrong gear. Cindy responded, "Yeah, I wasn't sure if you were doing a training exercise or just forgot to gear up." I chuckled, "ha, ha, yeah that'd be funny to watch." Soon thereafter I geared up and avoided any "training exercises" for the remainder of the ride.

Lunch was some vegetable broth, half a whole wheat pita with a low cal cheese substitute and fat free tomato sauce, and an enormous plate of spring greens with garbanzo beans and jicama. At this point I am prepared to kill for a Coke Zero as my caffeine withdrawal sinks in ever deeper. I have however been hoarding snacks, you see at the Ranch you are frequently offered organic fruit bars, nuts and seeds, as well as mini cheeses, bananas and pretzels. I have been collecting these and storing them in our room just in case. Simply having the food in the vicinity makes me feel much calmer.

I then enjoyed a lecture on Healthy Sleep, did some reading by the fire, and then it was off to my Watsu treatment (shiatsu in a pool of 99 degree water) with Sue, the former theme park mermaid massage therapist I had seen last time for the same treatment. Sue did not seem to remember me but once in the water, ear plugs inserted and floats attached to my legs, she seemed to smile down at me knowingly as though she now recognized me or at least my slenderizing black Gotex bathing suit. I smiled back grateful for the mouthwash in the locker room I had indulged in. After the blissful water massage, I showered and changed and headed for the Sanctuary where I was attending orientation for the Spirit Lodge experience I had signed myself and Stephanie up for that would take place on the following evening. The Spirit Lodge is a transcendent ritual where one comes to the Lodge with an intention and leaves with an answer or vision, or so says the Canyon Ranch brochure. This occurs over the course of 3 hours at nightfall in a dark, wood lodge which is heated to 170 degrees by special Spirit Stones selected by elders and descends from various Native American traditions including the Lakota and Cherokee. I learned all this during the orientation, initially I thought it was a quick weight loss sauna type of thing, but this was far more interesting. Stephanie felt otherwise and smiling apologetically at me, headed for the door as soon as the nitty gritty details were shared in order to cancel her Spirit Lodge experience within the 8 hour cancellation policy requirement. Not everyone it seems feels the same need to transform.

Lisa, our spiritual guide, announced that the "Lodge" had now begun and that it was a beautiful and sacred right we would be sharing. She then asked the remaining 8 guests to declare what gift we were each bringing to the Spirit Lodge, and then after we had each replied (my gift is curiosity, for obvious reasons) Lisa assured us that the gift she would be bringing to the Lodge was that of unconditional acceptance and love for each of us. At this point I felt it best not to mention my new found flatulence problem.

Lisa encouraged us to share our intention for our time at Lodge and told us that we could journal over the next 24 hours to help find our intention if it was not readily accessible. I proudly shared my intention which is to figure out what comes next in life, and Lisa thanked me and told me that was "beautiful". Needless to say I was proud but did my best not to look smug as the other 7 struggled with their intentions, obviously in need of some journaling. Lisa then treated us to a Cherokee gratitude song which she drummed along to as she chanted while the rest of us closed our eyes no doubt calculating how many calories we'd burn in the sweat lodge the next evening.

Dinner was more fiber, ruffage and flax. Thank heavens Stephanie and I are not sharing a bed.