I treated myself to a sleep-in this morning and sauntered over to the dining room for breakfast at 8:45am. The disapproving glares of the sweat stained masses as I was shown to my favorite table did not have their intended effect. Rather than feel "less-than" my compatriots who had no doubt already completed the 8 mile morning walk and an early spin class before their dry egg white omelet repast, I felt "more than". So superior was my mood that I requested a half order of the whole wheat banana pancakes plus a half order of the cranberry pecan gluten free french toast, plus an organic chicken sausage patty and extra warm maple syrup. The sniggers were silenced as I tucked into my feast. "Yes," their eyes said, "we want what you have oh lazy one."
After breakfast I attended a fascinating information session on "The Numbers of Your Life," which was a primer on Numerology. As luck would have it I was sandwiched between two sturdy Midwestern-looking sisters who seemed completely lovely. Of course what became clear was that the big sister (when i say "big" i am referring purely to age although it would be a fair assessment) had hauled the little sister to the session in order to encourage the Numerologist, Diana, to explain why she was unlucky in love so that their late mother could rest in peace knowing that little sister (again purely a reference to age) would be armed with that which she needed to focus on in order to finally settle down and have a family. Diana was somewhat uncomfortable at being thrust between the two pasty faced siblings in this manner, but carried her session out with grace explaining how the numbers are indeed the numbers of your life and you can choose to go with the flow and find the path to happiness or not. As for me, according to Diana, my life's purpose is to self-actualize and create something joyful to change the world. This will apparently become clear to me in the fullness of time but most likely in this lifetime, which is a giant relief as you can well imagine. While changing the world is apparently somewhere in my future, I hope in some small way my blog is currently bringing you a modicum of joy or at least the odd chuckle.
I then made my way to Gym 1 to take DJ Dance Party with a throng of fully make-upped, headband sporting 50 and 60-somethings in various sizes of Lululemon capris and ultra white sneakers. A myriad of chassees, kick-ball-changes, and grapevines carefully choreographed to the latest Rihanna, Katy Perry, and Pink ensued with mixed success. While the V-steps and getting-low moves were less than picturesque, the full upper torso shimmying was quite frankly a deeply disturbing part of the class from which I may require some hypnotherapy. You see dear reader, no matter how fit one tries to be, nor how many elective skin tightening procedures one undergoes, at 67 one's neck and upper arm skin vibrates in a most unflattering manner. Seeing 30 preternaturally tanned wagging wattles while hearing how California Girls are all Daisy Dukes and Bikinis On Top, is not for the feint of heart.
Fortunately, it is only a 45 minute class and soon I was out by the drinks dispenser filling my standard issue plastic Canyon Ranch water bottle with lemon infused water. Suddenly I spied a tall and rather wide African American gentleman, the rarest of guests at the Ranch which tends to the chubby east coast Jewess and the lanky Atlanta-bred Wasp. The occasional make guest is most often the significant other of the former two categories of guest. He looked somewhat familiar yet I could not place him. He might be a retired professional athlete whose erstwhile muscles had turned to fat, or a character actor from a quick cancelled cable sitcom. He approached a 70 year old Jewish looking gentleman with a partial comb-over and shook his hand warmly in greeting. That is when it struck me, this looked like a scene from a Tyler Perry movie where the old Jewish man would be played by one of the Wayan's brothers in heavy prosthetic make-up. And like that, I realized that the gentleman was in fact Tyler Perry, billionaire movie producer and frequent house guest of Oprah and Steadman. He is very friendly and has tiny little teeth that are bright white. He also looks good in royal blue basketball gear but between us is not a great shot.
Soon it was time for lunch and I noticed a number of 70 year old women with 50 year old boy toys. I don't know how I had missed this phenomenon before but it was as though a tour bus full of semi-attractive middle aged male escorts had just been dropped off to entertain the senior women. One couple caught my eye, she was Caucasian, slim, in her early 70's, and likely grew up in a warm climate where she was overexposed to the sun in childhood. He was a bucktoothed, Hispanic version of Tom Selleck from the Magnum P.I. era. His hair was dyed jet black to cover his graying roots and gave him a slightly comical air, as though he were dressed as a caricature of a somewhat upscale cholo boy toy. His prodigious overbite was rendered all the more pronounced by the nearly luminescent white veneers that covered all of his teeth. No doubt a present from his sugar momma. And though I found the scene largely hilarious and tried to imagine how an SNL skit might be constructed using this subject matter, it was remarkably sweet to see Mr. Selleck hold out his date's chair, share his frozen yogurt, and laugh at her jokes with his enormous mouthful of snowy white chompers.
I then enjoyed an Introduction to Ayurveda and found that I am a Pitta Vata Dosha, (same as Meryl Streep natch) which basically means that I should avoid spicy food, use plenty of sun block and avoid overly strenuous sports. Finally it was time for my Tarot Card reading with Laurie, the Ranch Tarot Card reader who happens to be the biggest Chicago Cubs fan in the world. As she sipped from her Cubs tea mug and jotted down notes on her Wrigley Field notepad, I could not help but wonder whether a Tarot Card reader of substance would remain a devoted fan her whole life to the losingess team in the MLB, knowing (as she must) that they would never win. I felt some skepticism as I shuffled the deck of cards set out before me. However, Laurie soon proved herself to be a worthy metaphysician with her excellent observations of my multiple unique talents and abilities. When she went off script to simply read my aura and declared my energy to be positive, strong and remarkably attractive to those seeking truth and higher meaning, I could hardly disagree. Cubs fan or no, Laurie has real Tarot talent.
Tomorrow I am making a Holiday Bead Bracelet, attending a lecture on Astrology as well as one on Spiritual Anchoring in Turbulent Times, and having at least frozen chocolate covered banana.
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